I turned 40 last week, and no this is not some blog manifesto…so just calm down. I’m not sure when getting older became such an awful thing, I fricken love it. For one, it means I have racked up loads of life experience and have some serious perspective on what’s important in life.

Hell, I earned these wrinkles and extra pounds…the love handles could probably take a break for a while…but eh…whatever.

Here is my list of why getting older is the best.

Friendship

The friends you have now, have seen you at your serious worst and still love you. When my insistent, bossy friend Adri told me I was having a party and I didn’t get a choice…I made one condition. Only invite the people that have loved me at my worst and remind me of my best. In other words, when I sneak off to go to bed at 9:00 p.m. (8:00 p.m.), they won’t care.

Life Experience

20 year old me knew absolutely nothing. She was struggling to figure out who she was, what she wanted and had no idea how to deal with all the anger and resentment she carried around. Age has given me perspective…it doesn’t mean I am without my flaws (I still have plenty), but it has given me the ability to see past the tiny, annoying, inconsequential shit that bothers me. It also helps that I have friends that tell me to suck it up and stop being such a whiner.

Emotion

I am quite uncomfortable with hugs, touching in general, tears…you get the drift. I’m still a weirdo about it, but I am confident by 60 I’ll be able to hug someone without getting awkward and rambling on about the time I got my period, went through a divorce or stole a dog out of my neighbor’s yard (I will never admit a thing).

Gratitude

Holy cow balls I have a lot to be thankful for, you don’t realize how great you have it until you have been through times where shit was really really really hard and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Look around…you are surrounded by blessings, you just need to get past yourself to see them.

I’m thankful for a husband that didn’t leave me when I got a 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th dog. The man really is a saint, and he never uses technology…so he will never read this.

I am surrounded by the chaos of my doing. Dog mom, business owner, friend, wife, sister, daughter…this is 40, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now that the frozen song is stuck in your head, I will get to my point.

There have been a few things bothering me, I just can’t seem to get past it. Silly. Why is it when so much good is happening in our lives, we can’t get past the miniscule shit.

Here are my tips in getting past the really dumb negative crap. In full transparency, I am writing this so I follow my own dumb advice.

Make a List

…and check it twice, actually, 100 times should do it. Write down 10 things that are completely kickass that have happened to you. Maybe it is your 40th birthday party, that you didn’t want, but are secretly thrilled so many people care about. Or…the addition of a 7th dog, because people are dumb and give away their animals when shit gets complicated. Write it down, read it at night, read it in the morning, tattoo that shit on your arm and don’t fucking forget it.

Phone a friend

Call one of those badasses you consider a friend and talk it out. Then call another one and do it again, then text another one and rehash the whole damn thing. If they are great friends, they’ll listen, sympathize and then tell you to get the hell over it.

Write a blog

Apparently, it is therapeutic for me. Maybe all you guys are like my bestest friends in the whole wide world. Aah…you like me, you really like me.

Move, the f**k on

I know it’s easier said than done, I told you that already. Mope around a bit, feel sorry for yourself, and then suck it up buttercup, you got shit to do.

The world is bigger than our stupid problems and we need to check our pessimism at the door and force ourselves to be positive. There are so many great things happening to YOU, to ME, to ALL of us. Let’s build each other up, you never know who is struggling, don’t assume you know their story.

Ladies Listen Up, is going to be an ongoing series because…I have so much to say!

With 40, right around the corner, I’ve become really wise or maybe it’s really tired…either way, I’m sharing all my deep thoughts with all of you.

Lets talk friendship.

I’ve been told it gets harder to make friends as you get older, I haven’t found that to be true…but I also care a lot less. Maybe that is the key to successful friendships in your later years, you just stop giving a shit what everyone thinks.

The other key to great friendships, less is more.

Be You

If you can’t be around me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t get me at my best. I don’t have time for fake shit or pretending life is all sunshine and unicorns. I have time for honest conversations, gifs, wine in pajamas, dog pictures, wine, and lady vacations. Life is hard, why have ‘friends’ that you only show a portion of your life to?

I want the friends that will drop off soup at my house when I am sick, will let my dogs out when I am suffering from a sinus infection so bad I can’t get out of bed, bring me pizza rolls when I’m having a bad day, send me funny girl power cards, celebrate professional achievements, put together furniture at a new house, tell me I’m a bitch, point out when I am wrong, sit with me when I lose a furkid and value friend vacays as much, if not more than family vacations.

Forgiveness

I’m a real dick sometimes, I know that comes as a surprise…to no one. When one of my friends told me she was pregnant, I cried out of sadness for myself…I had lost another friend to a baby. She told me I was ridiculous and in the moment we should have been celebrating her happy news, she reassured me I wouldn’t lose her.

It took me a day to come around, and she still loved me in spite of my selfishness. I have countless other stories, that illustrate my awesomeness, but to save face…I’m not going to share them.

My point is, your friends love you at your worst and forgive you for it.

Quality

As you get older, you’ll find that you have less time for everything. When we were younger, did we really think, more was better? That having more friends, achieved some sort of status? Made us cool?

Screw that.

Life is too short to stress yourself out doing all this crap you don’t really want to do, with people that at the end of the day, will never be there for you outside of a surface level.

Give

Back to the quality over quantity, if you have this huge group of who you deem ‘close’ friends, how great of a friend are you? Can you really be the friend, you would want someone else to be? I guess, you could make it your full-time job?

All those times you need that person to be there for you? You sure as hell better be there for them. That’s what friends do, they are there through the good, bad and ugly.

The great thing about friendship as you age, those bitches are always going to be there for you.

Ever find yourself scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn…all the photos in your phone…the latest Ann Taylor sale…basically doing anything but tackling the looming project that is due?

I’m convinced it is human nature to procrastinate, it just feels natural to find reasons to not do something. It’s like we are wired to avoid emptying the dishwasher, riding the Peloton, or writing that blog.

Putting things off, actually hurts us emotionally, physically and monetarily. In a survey of 10,000 people by Carleton University’s Procrastination Research Group, 94 percent of respondents said that procrastination negatively affects their happiness. A full 19 percent said the effect is extremely negative.

Side Note: There is a group that studies procrastination, how often do they put something off…I wonder?

There is no secret formula for motivation, for me…guilt and the fear of letting someone down drives me. It doesn’t mean I’m jumping out of bed at 6:00 a.m. to ride 10 miles on the bike, meditate for 30 minutes or read a book…it does mean, I get shit done.

You have to force yourself to do it, even when you don’t want to. 

I tell staff, do the item on your to-do list that you are avoiding doing. Get it over with, you’ll find yourself a hell of a lot more productive when that one task isn’t hanging over your head.

Make yourself be motivated, there is no magic wand to suddenly make yourself productive. It is just pushing yourself and doing the crap you don’t want to do…first.

Set a routine

My mornings consist of me getting up, getting ready and getting out the door. Some people like to run a marathon, write a novel, achieve world peace…all before 6:00 a.m. Well, good for them.

No routine is right or wrong, do what works for you. I work in the evening, after I leave the office, I tackle things that are ‘quick wins’ so I can focus on the big stuff the next day.

Celebrate success

Acknowledge your wins. When you knock out a 35-page strategy, reward yourself with a bottle or two of wine.

It’s never to late to end the cycle of procrastination. Be realistic with yourself, you’ll have good and bad days.

I just got back from a relaxing vacation with my girlfriends, we spent our days laying on the beach, sipping cocktails and reading.

Instead of fully enjoying my vacation, I allowed negative thoughts and self-doubt to creep in the entire time.

These are thoughts I am uncomfortable sharing, because it leaves me vulnerable (and I have a reputation to uphold), however I am hoping by opening myself up you’ll cut yourself some slack.

Thought 1: I’m fat

How can I wear this suit? I would give anything for her body. I need to lose weight, eat better, drink less, exercise. I’m so gross, how can my husband even find me sexy. I hate my legs, my arms, my stomach.

I know I’m not alone in having these thoughts. How sad is it that instead of relishing the fact that I am in the Keys, hanging out with amazing women, I allow self-criticism to sneak in.

Love the body your in, so what if you have wrinkles, love handles, age spots, cellulite, thighs that rub, a plump stomach – who gives a shit.

The more often we tell each other we are beautiful, the sooner we will start to embrace who we are and ignore that voice in our head.

Thought 2: I shouldn’t be vacationing

Why did I take this vacation? There is too much going on at work, I should be at the office. If I pick up a book to read for leisure, I think “I should be reading that business book, I purchased.”

Why is it that when we take time for ourselves, the guilt creeps in. As a small business owner, I need to be working all the time – that is what I signed up for…right?

Thought 3: I’ll never be good enough

This one is a combination of all the negativity that swirls around in my head, aimed at myself.

• I suck at running my business
• I am a terrible manager
• I am an awful friend
• I don’t spend enough time with the dogs
• I am neglecting my husband
• I need to not eat that
• Don’t drink that
• I look terrible in this

If you looked at me, you would think – damn she is confident, isn’t afraid to say what she thinks, she is strong…blah blah blah. We all have self-doubts, I have a lot of them. There are times it is crippling and I go into hiding. My friends have dubbed it, “hermiting.” I don’t answer the phone, refuse to leave the house, lay in bed – I’m depressed, burned out, tired.

We expect so much of ourselves and refuse to grant ourselves any grace. Lets be the grace for each other. Reach out to another woman today and tell them they are worthy, beautiful and loved.

On this International Women’s Day, embrace your strength and cut yourself some damn slack. You are worthy.

One of the most important skills a person can possess is the ability to listen. In a world where phones are beeping, watches are buzzing and emails are popping up…we are constantly pulled away.

I, myself, am a terrible listener, ask anyone. I am easily distracted, ooh shiny object, and I have a hard time concentrating on one task at a time. I want to jump all over the place and I am certain I have some undiagnosed something – adderall anyone?

These tips are for all the recovering non-listeners. There is nothing more rude than a person having to repeat themselves multiple times, because you are not listening. Just ask my husband.

1. Prioritize it in the workplace. Encourage listening by setting an example. Put away your phone or other distraction, make eye contact, be conscious of nonverbals and actively engage.
2. Pay attention to nonverbals. I took a class in college titled ‘Nonverbal Communication,’ thinking it would be a fluff course – I was wrong. A substantial portion of our communication is nonverbal. Every day, we respond to thousands on nonverbal cues and behaviors including postures, facial expression, eye gaze, gestures, and tone of voice.
3. Don’t interrupt. This is a tough one, I am very impatient and if I feel someone is taking too long to get to the point, I jump in and make it for them. Trust me, that is a dick move.

Encourage a ‘no interruption’ policy at work. Have employees take note of something they heard during the day, that the can then share with the rest of the team.

When your culture is focused on listening and observing, staff is happier and clients will take note.

Dear Michiganders,

We find ourselves, once again, in the midst of a blustery winter storm (Snowmageddeon) that has seemingly caught us by surprise…even though it is winter in Michigan. I view snow days as an opportunity to crush my to-do list and catch up on all the tasks I keep putting off.

Here are my tips for this windy, snowy and cozy day.

1. Wear PJs all day. It is statistically proven that working in lounge wear increases output (we are still looking for the report that backs this up). If you don’t have to worry about showering, dressing and doing your hair; you can jump right into your tasks for the day.
2. Start with a mimosa, after coffee of course. Nothing says “bring on the day,” like an alcoholic beverage at 7:00 a.m. Champagne is for celebrating, and a snow day is cause for celebration.
3. Light a candle. A flickering, scented candle will give you a warm, cozy feel. It completes your workspace and adds the needed ambience to crush that to-do list.
4. Surround yourself with dogs. Missing your co-workers? No problem. Dogs are avid listeners, be sure to brainstorm client campaigns with your furry staff, their input will be invaluable.
5. Register to attend the Nothing Party. What do you have to look forward to when January turns into February? Nothing. February is the month of nothing, so we are giving you something to look forward to, a party full of nothingness. I mean, what else do you have to do?
6. Jam out to The Greatest Showman soundtrack. Get motivated with show tunes, the best part being that co-workers won’t get annoyed when you play the album repeatedly in an 8 hour period.

In all seriousness, take advantage of the quiet, uninterrupted work time. You’ll be shocked how much you accomplish.

Be comfortable with change is the best piece of advice I can offer you. Life is going to throw a lot of curve balls your way, so line up to catch them and throw them the f**k back.

8THIRTYFOUR is 12 years old (maybe 13 – I lose track) and there is not a single day that I wasn’t surprised or caught off-guard by something; there is a reason people don’t own businesses – it is fucking hard. If you can become comfortable with things constantly being in influx, and create a plan for how to deal with disruptions – you almost begin to look forward to them (that is 100% an exaggeration), the good thing is you know how to tackle the unexpected, deal with it and move on.

The other fun part about change is communicating throughout the entire organization, in a way that is positive and exciting. Anytime there is change, there is opportunity. Stop looking at change as a disruption, instead see the possibilities that accompany it.

Next time the unexpected happens, do the following.

1. Breathe. Don’t react. Any action you take within the first 15 minutes of a disruption, is going to be reactionary and definitely not well-thought out.
2. Ponder. If I know a big decision is coming, I reflect on it. I take a few days, sometimes a week (if time allows) and let my mind look at all the possibilities.
3. Analyze. Now that you have slowed down and pondered, it is time to determine the ripple effects on your company, staff, community, personal life etc.
4. Plan. You have thought it out and you know what you have to do, write it out, timeline it and communicate it.
5. Go. Get moving, you have the plan and the ability to turn this disruption into an opportunity.

Remember, when shit hits the fan – find the opportunity and put on your positive pants.

I have been thinking about leadership quite a bit this week, probably because I am in the middle of the woods with 6 dogs and a shitty wifi connection. I’ve been reading a lot on Ruth Bader Ginsburg (RBG), so I am going to use her as my inspiration.

People, myself included, get leadership and management confused. Leadership is how you approach and deal with different situations, it doesn’t have to mean you oversee people. For example, you notice that the garbage is full and you bring it out. You don’t stop and announce to everyone what you are doing, you just do it. Leaders don’t seek praise, if anything it makes them uncomfortable.

When RBG was asked to apply for a board position with the ACLU, candidates were expected to discuss their career highlights, major accomplishments and tout how great they would be in the position. RBG was so self-effacing and kept giving everyone else the credit (for some of the landmark cases she won), that the board elected her on good-faith, due to her past performance with the ACLU. Her peers and ACLU staff members, were ultimately responsible for her getting elected.

There is no perfect leader, but if you want to be one, I recommend keeping the below in mind at all times. A very smart person, once said to pick 3 and make those the lens in which you assess all situations.

1. Caring. This should speak for itself, if not, let me say this: don’t be a dick. You can have a very direct communication style and still really see the other person.
2. Patient (I didn’t say a master of it). I suck at this, I have a tendency to outline my requests in a way that seems perfectly clear to me and is incredibly confusing to everyone else. This often leads to annoyance on my part and frustration on the other end. Which leads me to my 3rd point.
3. Self-aware. Know your weaknesses, strengths and everything in between. This allows you to elevate others while staying focused on what you are good at.
4. Lead by example. The saying “do what I say, not what I do,” is utter bullshit. Be the first to lend a hand, step in when someone is struggling, take the time to show and teach and be kind. Do the right thing, regardless of who is watching.
5. Mentor. I encourage team 834 to work with our interns or first-year associates to help them become accustomed to our culture, processes and brand. By setting up others for success, you yourself succeed in gaining valuable experience in leadership.
6. Self-effacing. Don’t claim attention for yourself, share the love. RBG did this and she is a Supreme Court justice. Being a narcissist never turns out well, as history will soon show.

There is so much more to leadership, but these are the six things I try so hard to incorporate into my daily life. A leader isn’t a manager, a leader is who others strive to be.

How do you want to be remembered?

“Someone who used whatever talent she had to do her work to the very best of her ability. And to help repair tears in her society, to make things a little better through the use of whatever ability she has. To do something, outside myself. ‘Cause I’ve gotten much more satisfaction for the things that I’ve done for which I was not paid.” – Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a true leader

First off, I hate the word self-care, so I am annoyed I used it in the title to this blog. It is, however, the quickest way to say “take care of yourself,” because no one else will.

The holidays really seem to kick people’s asses, mine included. I embrace all things Christmas with a fervor that is quite unhealthy and burn myself out in record time.

So I say to myself and you, STOP IT.

Get your shit together and follow my advice below, or come up with a better solution – do what works for you.

1. Turn your phone off. The first thing we reach for in the morning is our phone, the last thing we look at before we go to sleep is our phone. The digital world and our inability to disconnect from it, is really screwing us up. When 8:00 p.m. strikes, put your phone in a drawer and walk away.
2. Pick up a book. Now that the phone is gone, pick up a book you have been putting off reading because you are checking Facebook, SnapChat, Instagram, LinkedIn or playing Angry Birds. Set aside 30 minutes to an hour at night to reading something that interests you. I just received the book Duel With The Devil by Paul Collins which tells the story of the first major murder trial in New York City, it is a very light read – perfect for the holidays.
3. Write. Take 15 minutes a day and just write down your thoughts, on anything. Yesterday I wrote about my addiction to my phone. Journaling is therapeutic and they say it improves mental and physical health.
4. Find your happy place. Is it in your bedroom with surrounded by candles? Maybe it is taking a bath? It doesn’t have to be a cabin in the woods, although that is mine, what it should be is a place you just think. No staring at your phone, no obsessing over social media…just you, alone. Crazy scary, right? You have to be alone with your own thoughts – oh the horror!

The most important thing you can do, is put yourself first. I know the holidays are all about giving, but the fact is you gotta take care of yourself first or you have nothing to give anyone else.