I had an interesting convo with my therapist the other day (more people should admit they see one, helps erase the stigma), we were chatting about the stress a business owner deals with every day and how it bleeds into every other aspect of your life. By the way, this was supposed to be marriage counseling, but it ended up just being me – that is a story there for another day.

In my therapist’s other life, he is a business coach. Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. I think what we often need, as business owners, someone to talk to with no judgment. We keep a lot of shit locked inside, we don’t want to bother our significant others, family or friends and not just that, they will never fully understand the struggle.

I wrote a blog a while back that talked about the loneliness a business owner faces. The blog is just as true today as 3 years ago when I wrote it.

What has been my saving grace in recent years is the network surrounding the Small Business Association of Michigan (SBAM). The group consists only of business owners, which means you are in a room with others that experience the same pain points, frustrations, and hurdles. It’s therapy for my mind and soul.

I’ve been talking about mental health a lot, my last blog tackled it and I’m addressing it in this one. If I can help one person by admitting my struggles, then awesome.

I also really want to help, my nature is to fix things. After chatting with my therapist, who is really cool, he and I are tossing around the idea of starting up a business owner support group. He would facilitate because we all tend to be a bit ADD.

So let me know your thoughts. Would you want to attend? What if I said there would be wine/booze/beer? Does that sway you at all?

“Do you ever just want to scream?” was the text message I sent to three of my friends last week.

There are times, we drive ourselves to mental, emotional and physical exhaustion. I hope I have been honest in the past about my mental health struggles, it’s something I have dealt with since…forever. I can’t remember a time anxiety wasn’t a factor in my life. If you’re reading this, you are not alone. Repeat after me:

I AM NOT ALONE.

It really is an epidemic in our country, one that people would prefer to keep hidden. We’re embarrassed to admit it, seek treatment or talk about it with those closest to us. According to Pine Rest,  mental illnesses affect 19% of the adult population, 46% of teenagers and 13% of children each year. People struggling with their mental health may be in your family, live next door, teach your children, work in the next cubicle or sit in the same church pew.

I AM NOT ALONE.

I am one of those people that feels they can’t appear weak or less than capable – I mean aren’t we all feeling that pressure? What will my employees think? My clients? My family? My friends? My dogs (yes, I really think that).

Want to know what those badass women responded via text?

• I’ve been ornery AF.
• Schedules. Husbands. Politics. Housework. Job Work. I’m feeling the stress of it all lately.
• I was spying on my husband through our dog monitors to see if he was doing any housework while I was gone (ok, that was me).

Listen we’re all a little fucked, we live in stressful times. You gotta take care of you, spend a weekend recharging, exercise (if that’s your thing) or bring your girls together and just bitch.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Am I the only one, who had never heard this saying, until recently?

According to the internet, that is always right in all these types of things, the Sunday Scaries are:

…the anxiety that sets in on Sunday nights with the impending return to the office, school, or work. Whether you call them The Sunday Scaries, The Sunday Blues, The Fear, The Shakes, The Dread – they’re there.

Now that we have defined this feeling that comes over us on a Sunday, let’s do something about it.

1. Acknowledge the feeling. The first step in conquering the “Scaries” is to acknowledge they exist. I remember as a little girl, not wanting to go to bed on Sunday night because it meant a new week, full of school, homework, classmates and the unknown. As humans, we are naturally anxious, maybe it dates back to when we were fighting dinosaurs for food…we are always thinking “what if,” and find it impossible to live in the now. Grab a notebook and write down why you are dreading the next day, knowing what you are tackling makes all the difference – now it isn’t the unknown.
2. Make a plan. Good job, you’ve written it down. Look it over, is it really that scary? Next, number another sheet of paper. Prioritize what you need to accomplish tomorrow, put the crap you don’t want to do at the top. Procrastination is in our DNA, but that doesn’t mean you can’t conquer it. Lists fix everything.
3. Tackle it now. Do the first thing at the top of the list, if you followed directions, it is the one thing you are dreading the most. If you take care of it before Monday even hits, you’ve already won the week.
4. Reward yourself. Congrats, you managed to trick yourself into getting something done on a Sunday. Pour yourself a cold beverage, or pop those pizza rolls in the oven (make sure you have ranch – you’re not a heathen) and try to relax.

Mondays don’t have to be scary, if you prep a little on Sunday and know what to expect the next day, you’ll kick the Sunday Scaries in the ass.

I was reminded the other day of the power of teamwork and what can be accomplished when we work together. Around 3:00 a.m. this past weekend, Joey (one of 7 Bode dogs), was sprayed by a skunk. Josh (the husband) set out to gather the needed supplies (and no it isn’t tomato juice). I set out vinegar to absorb the smell in the house, turned on all the fans, threw baking soda on everything, Febreze’d, lit every candle in the house and corralled the rest of the dogs.

We donned gloves and proceeded to scrub Joey down with the concoction 4 times, and then bathed Joey in baking soda. As you can imagine, it was a tedious and smelly process, but we tackled it together.

It was a great reminder of how much more we can achieve by putting aside our pride and stubbornness and admitting we need help. Too often we have to be forced into working with someone, which was the case this past weekend. Ask yourself, how much more could you accomplish if you worked in tangent with another individual? Our best ideas are often built on other people’s ideas, and we can tackle so much more if we lean on each other.

Another word of advice, don’t let your dog out at 3:00 a.m., just don’t.

My lovely friend, Adrienne Wallace, spoke about paid interns at her acceptance speech for PR Pro of the Year or Badass Superwoman of the Year (I forget the category) and she is right on the money (or the lack of). In fact, I agree so much…I’m writing about it.

Now, before you get your knickers in a twister, yes…8THIRTYFOUR was powered by unpaid interns for the first few years of the agency. And boy did I feel guilty about it, those were some hardworking soon-to-be pros. What I couldn’t pay them, I did try to make up for with booze, food and lots of dogs – but it was never enough and it will never be enough. If you’re reading this…thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

While I’m at it, I would also like to stricken ‘intern’ from our vocabulary. It is just so insulting, I don’t hire interns, I hire associates that work with clients, slay projects and deliver results. They deserve to be paid for the work they do because it matters.

If you disagree with me, whatever. Here are the reasons unpaid internships shouldn’t even be an option anymore – and schools need to set that expectation as well.

1. When is the last time you asked someone to cut your hair or clean your house for free?
2. How hard have you ever worked at something that you didn’t get paid for?
3. If a potential client calls you up, says they love the work you do but would like you to do a project for free – just so they can get a feel for how you work…what would you say?
4. Employees feel valued when they are paid…weird right?
5. If you don’t pay, you’re a jerk.

In conclusion, pay your interns.

I turned 40 last week, and no this is not some blog manifesto…so just calm down. I’m not sure when getting older became such an awful thing, I fricken love it. For one, it means I have racked up loads of life experience and have some serious perspective on what’s important in life.

Hell, I earned these wrinkles and extra pounds…the love handles could probably take a break for a while…but eh…whatever.

Here is my list of why getting older is the best.

Friendship

The friends you have now, have seen you at your serious worst and still love you. When my insistent, bossy friend Adri told me I was having a party and I didn’t get a choice…I made one condition. Only invite the people that have loved me at my worst and remind me of my best. In other words, when I sneak off to go to bed at 9:00 p.m. (8:00 p.m.), they won’t care.

Life Experience

20 year old me knew absolutely nothing. She was struggling to figure out who she was, what she wanted and had no idea how to deal with all the anger and resentment she carried around. Age has given me perspective…it doesn’t mean I am without my flaws (I still have plenty), but it has given me the ability to see past the tiny, annoying, inconsequential shit that bothers me. It also helps that I have friends that tell me to suck it up and stop being such a whiner.

Emotion

I am quite uncomfortable with hugs, touching in general, tears…you get the drift. I’m still a weirdo about it, but I am confident by 60 I’ll be able to hug someone without getting awkward and rambling on about the time I got my period, went through a divorce or stole a dog out of my neighbor’s yard (I will never admit a thing).

Gratitude

Holy cow balls I have a lot to be thankful for, you don’t realize how great you have it until you have been through times where shit was really really really hard and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Look around…you are surrounded by blessings, you just need to get past yourself to see them.

I’m thankful for a husband that didn’t leave me when I got a 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th dog. The man really is a saint, and he never uses technology…so he will never read this.

I am surrounded by the chaos of my doing. Dog mom, business owner, friend, wife, sister, daughter…this is 40, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now that the frozen song is stuck in your head, I will get to my point.

There have been a few things bothering me, I just can’t seem to get past it. Silly. Why is it when so much good is happening in our lives, we can’t get past the miniscule shit.

Here are my tips in getting past the really dumb negative crap. In full transparency, I am writing this so I follow my own dumb advice.

Make a List

…and check it twice, actually, 100 times should do it. Write down 10 things that are completely kickass that have happened to you. Maybe it is your 40th birthday party, that you didn’t want, but are secretly thrilled so many people care about. Or…the addition of a 7th dog, because people are dumb and give away their animals when shit gets complicated. Write it down, read it at night, read it in the morning, tattoo that shit on your arm and don’t fucking forget it.

Phone a friend

Call one of those badasses you consider a friend and talk it out. Then call another one and do it again, then text another one and rehash the whole damn thing. If they are great friends, they’ll listen, sympathize and then tell you to get the hell over it.

Write a blog

Apparently, it is therapeutic for me. Maybe all you guys are like my bestest friends in the whole wide world. Aah…you like me, you really like me.

Move, the f**k on

I know it’s easier said than done, I told you that already. Mope around a bit, feel sorry for yourself, and then suck it up buttercup, you got shit to do.

The world is bigger than our stupid problems and we need to check our pessimism at the door and force ourselves to be positive. There are so many great things happening to YOU, to ME, to ALL of us. Let’s build each other up, you never know who is struggling, don’t assume you know their story.

Ladies Listen Up, is going to be an ongoing series because…I have so much to say!

With 40, right around the corner, I’ve become really wise or maybe it’s really tired…either way, I’m sharing all my deep thoughts with all of you.

Lets talk friendship.

I’ve been told it gets harder to make friends as you get older, I haven’t found that to be true…but I also care a lot less. Maybe that is the key to successful friendships in your later years, you just stop giving a shit what everyone thinks.

The other key to great friendships, less is more.

Be You

If you can’t be around me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t get me at my best. I don’t have time for fake shit or pretending life is all sunshine and unicorns. I have time for honest conversations, gifs, wine in pajamas, dog pictures, wine, and lady vacations. Life is hard, why have ‘friends’ that you only show a portion of your life to?

I want the friends that will drop off soup at my house when I am sick, will let my dogs out when I am suffering from a sinus infection so bad I can’t get out of bed, bring me pizza rolls when I’m having a bad day, send me funny girl power cards, celebrate professional achievements, put together furniture at a new house, tell me I’m a bitch, point out when I am wrong, sit with me when I lose a furkid and value friend vacays as much, if not more than family vacations.

Forgiveness

I’m a real dick sometimes, I know that comes as a surprise…to no one. When one of my friends told me she was pregnant, I cried out of sadness for myself…I had lost another friend to a baby. She told me I was ridiculous and in the moment we should have been celebrating her happy news, she reassured me I wouldn’t lose her.

It took me a day to come around, and she still loved me in spite of my selfishness. I have countless other stories, that illustrate my awesomeness, but to save face…I’m not going to share them.

My point is, your friends love you at your worst and forgive you for it.

Quality

As you get older, you’ll find that you have less time for everything. When we were younger, did we really think, more was better? That having more friends, achieved some sort of status? Made us cool?

Screw that.

Life is too short to stress yourself out doing all this crap you don’t really want to do, with people that at the end of the day, will never be there for you outside of a surface level.

Give

Back to the quality over quantity, if you have this huge group of who you deem ‘close’ friends, how great of a friend are you? Can you really be the friend, you would want someone else to be? I guess, you could make it your full-time job?

All those times you need that person to be there for you? You sure as hell better be there for them. That’s what friends do, they are there through the good, bad and ugly.

The great thing about friendship as you age, those bitches are always going to be there for you.

Ever find yourself scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn…all the photos in your phone…the latest Ann Taylor sale…basically doing anything but tackling the looming project that is due?

I’m convinced it is human nature to procrastinate, it just feels natural to find reasons to not do something. It’s like we are wired to avoid emptying the dishwasher, riding the Peloton, or writing that blog.

Putting things off, actually hurts us emotionally, physically and monetarily. In a survey of 10,000 people by Carleton University’s Procrastination Research Group, 94 percent of respondents said that procrastination negatively affects their happiness. A full 19 percent said the effect is extremely negative.

Side Note: There is a group that studies procrastination, how often do they put something off…I wonder?

There is no secret formula for motivation, for me…guilt and the fear of letting someone down drives me. It doesn’t mean I’m jumping out of bed at 6:00 a.m. to ride 10 miles on the bike, meditate for 30 minutes or read a book…it does mean, I get shit done.

You have to force yourself to do it, even when you don’t want to. 

I tell staff, do the item on your to-do list that you are avoiding doing. Get it over with, you’ll find yourself a hell of a lot more productive when that one task isn’t hanging over your head.

Make yourself be motivated, there is no magic wand to suddenly make yourself productive. It is just pushing yourself and doing the crap you don’t want to do…first.

Set a routine

My mornings consist of me getting up, getting ready and getting out the door. Some people like to run a marathon, write a novel, achieve world peace…all before 6:00 a.m. Well, good for them.

No routine is right or wrong, do what works for you. I work in the evening, after I leave the office, I tackle things that are ‘quick wins’ so I can focus on the big stuff the next day.

Celebrate success

Acknowledge your wins. When you knock out a 35-page strategy, reward yourself with a bottle or two of wine.

It’s never to late to end the cycle of procrastination. Be realistic with yourself, you’ll have good and bad days.

I just got back from a relaxing vacation with my girlfriends, we spent our days laying on the beach, sipping cocktails and reading.

Instead of fully enjoying my vacation, I allowed negative thoughts and self-doubt to creep in the entire time.

These are thoughts I am uncomfortable sharing, because it leaves me vulnerable (and I have a reputation to uphold), however I am hoping by opening myself up you’ll cut yourself some slack.

Thought 1: I’m fat

How can I wear this suit? I would give anything for her body. I need to lose weight, eat better, drink less, exercise. I’m so gross, how can my husband even find me sexy. I hate my legs, my arms, my stomach.

I know I’m not alone in having these thoughts. How sad is it that instead of relishing the fact that I am in the Keys, hanging out with amazing women, I allow self-criticism to sneak in.

Love the body your in, so what if you have wrinkles, love handles, age spots, cellulite, thighs that rub, a plump stomach – who gives a shit.

The more often we tell each other we are beautiful, the sooner we will start to embrace who we are and ignore that voice in our head.

Thought 2: I shouldn’t be vacationing

Why did I take this vacation? There is too much going on at work, I should be at the office. If I pick up a book to read for leisure, I think “I should be reading that business book, I purchased.”

Why is it that when we take time for ourselves, the guilt creeps in. As a small business owner, I need to be working all the time – that is what I signed up for…right?

Thought 3: I’ll never be good enough

This one is a combination of all the negativity that swirls around in my head, aimed at myself.

• I suck at running my business
• I am a terrible manager
• I am an awful friend
• I don’t spend enough time with the dogs
• I am neglecting my husband
• I need to not eat that
• Don’t drink that
• I look terrible in this

If you looked at me, you would think – damn she is confident, isn’t afraid to say what she thinks, she is strong…blah blah blah. We all have self-doubts, I have a lot of them. There are times it is crippling and I go into hiding. My friends have dubbed it, “hermiting.” I don’t answer the phone, refuse to leave the house, lay in bed – I’m depressed, burned out, tired.

We expect so much of ourselves and refuse to grant ourselves any grace. Lets be the grace for each other. Reach out to another woman today and tell them they are worthy, beautiful and loved.

On this International Women’s Day, embrace your strength and cut yourself some damn slack. You are worthy.