Today is International Women’s Day, a day to celebrate women and their achievements internationally. It’s nice we get a day, isn’t it? The 2021 theme is “Choose to challenge.”

In the spirit of challenging, I’d like to stop thanking men or rewarding them for being “allies.” Why the hell do we spend a day or hell our lives acknowledging men who uncharacteristically didn’t treat us like shit? I, for one, refuse to give men credit or thank them for where the hell I am in my career. Apparently, the rationale is we can’t ascend the corporate ladder or to the c-suite unless men take us along with them or support us in our pursuit of leadership positions.

No.

I started 8THIRTYFOUR because it was clear the traditional path to leadership was closed to me. Here is what I want you to take from this blog, we as women must be brash, bold and absolutely unapologetic. This doesn’t mean you bulldoze through people, it means you push, pull, and barrel through barriers to get what you want.

Women who make history are not polite or reserved. Take Eleanor Roosevelt, for example, she was a feminist and civil rights leader before we even knew what to call them. People either loved her or hated her, but regardless she persisted in her journey to ensure the unrepresented were represented.

If you aspire to be liked by everyone, you will never achieve your dreams. This is a hard pill for women to swallow, our empathetic nature drives us to be well-liked. In fact, it will always be something you struggle with. I am not liked by all, I’ve been told I am an “acquired taste,” not exactly a ringing endorsement but I’m actually pretty damn proud of it. I am loyal and fiercely protect those I love, but I also call out injustice when I see it. Does it bother me when I hear about negative things said about me or gossip between other women who dislike me for the personality I was born with? Yes, it does. Acknowledge it, see what you can learn from it, and then move the hell on.

At the end of the day, a man is not going to get you where you want to be professionally nor is anyone else. I am not saying relationships are not important, they absolutely are, however, you have to believe in yourself and your capabilities first.

Be brash, bold, and unapologetic. Let’s make some history.

I was privy to an email the other day that referred to another female professional as “sweet and young,” and it wasn’t meant as a compliment. It irked me, like a lot. Maybe cause it hit close to home and reminded me when I was early on in my career and was often dismissed due to my age, experience, or Forever 21 wardrobe. Listen, I still have a Forever 21 jacket, that shit holds up surprisingly well.

I was told I was “rough around the edges.” Another female professional I know was told she was a “diamond in the rough.” All of us have much to learn early on in our careers, but I can’t recall a time a male professional was critiqued in the same way as many of my female colleagues.

West Michigan is where I built my business, career, and family (dogs lots of dogs). It’s also where I’ve dealt with sexism and ageism for much of my professional life. We all have hurdles to overcome and sadly this is what a lot of young female professionals face, I can’t even imagine what it is like for a woman of color. Why does age or gender even play into the equation? It isn’t news to anyone that females are not on equal footing when it comes to our health care choices (what choice?), salaries, or job perks.

If we want change, we need to call out the behavior when we see it. It isn’t comfortable to do so, but easy isn’t where progress is made. If you’re reading this blog and are what might be considered a “young professional,” speak up. Have a respectful dialogue if you feel you are being treated differently due to your age, experience, or gender. Come to the table with examples and also a solution – not that ageism has a solution, but if you show you are willing to work together, perhaps progress can actually be made.

I do think things are slowly getting better, or perhaps I’m just getting older so no one cares anymore.

If someone refers to you as “rough around the edges,” say thank you because it’s what makes you who you are and you should never apologize for how God made you. And you know what, “rough” is what makes me a good business owner and communicator, it’s why I  always strive to find comfort in the uncomfortable and not back down when something is worth fighting for. I’ll take my rough over your condescension any day.

Now a personal story….

When Josh and I bought our first house, it was done only in my name and I solely financed it. The title company told me he needed to be there when I signed, I didn’t really think anything of it until we got to the signing and they asked him to sign. I politely (I really did) asked why when he wasn’t on the mortgage, the guy looked at me surprised and said “oh, well I can redo all the paperwork and we can reschedule.” Now, who in the right f**king mind is going to reschedule a closing on a house when it is always a clusterf*ck to even get to that point? I didn’t feel like I had the right to be enraged about it, because I didn’t want to cause a scene or make Josh feel less than. What a typical female response, am I right? We are slighted or wronged and we are the ones that feel bad.

If I had to do it all over again, I would ask him why he assumed when he had no right to do so. I’d then ask him to redo the paperwork while I sat and waited because I had every right to do so.

Moral of this story, don’t be afraid to make “good trouble,” as the great John Lewis would say.

Today I cried in front of my staff. Me, Kim Bode…queen of abrasive, broke down.

Be vulnerable.

The reason why isn’t important, most of you will put the pieces together soon enough. What is important is the hard time my little furry family is going through and the despair, grief and sadness I am experiencing. Pretending to be a hardass will only get you so far, not showing weakness as a business owner in certain situations is a good thing. Never opening yourself up to feel soul-crushing pain is a bad thing.

Be vulnerable.

Opening yourself to others, telling them you are not ok or are dealing with something truly awful…will give you the support and in turn the strength you need to survive whatever it is you are experiencing. We are told from a young age, especially men to never show weakness, keep your chin up, soldier on, suck it up…all this does is push down the feelings we need to feel. You will never move past it if you don’t feel.

Over 10 years ago, my first marriage fell apart. I was broke, soon to be homeless and I was doing my damndest to keep it together. I will never forget what the counselor said to me, “get a bottle of wine, sit in the corner, turn off the lights and fucking cry.”

He said, “feel it, feel all of it. Scream, cry, swear and allow yourself to hurt.”

Be vulnerable.

If you don’t feel it, you will never move past it. You will only bury those feelings to have them reemerge with a vengeance months or years later.

Just know I understand. It hurts. That pain means you are alive and that is a glorious thing. Allow yourself to feel and be supported.

It’s ok to be vulnerable.

Sidenote: I took this blog picture to remember this feeling. It sucked.

I’ve been running a business for around 13 years, if there is one thing I hate above all else it is the questions women are asked that no one would even think to ask a man.

First, let me define sexism for readers. Merriam-Webster defines it as:

• How do you balance work and life? Um…is that even a serious question? I run a business, no one has fucking work/life balance you twit.
• How old are your kids? This one is my favorite, I’m not even asked if I have kids, it is a given I would have them…because what woman doesn’t fulfill the role they are placed on this earth for? By the way, sarcasm is heavy in this blog. Read on if you dare.
• How is your little business doing? Oh really good, between keeping up on housework and making delicious meals for my husband, I have managed to run a business for 13 years that is fueled on the tears of interns.
• How does your husband deal with your schedule? I don’t know, I chain him to a bed and feed him periodically…seems to be fine when I see him.
• Do you only hire attractive females? Yep, all ugly trolls are stopped at the door and sent on their way.
• How does your husband feel about all the men you spend time with? What a great question! Well, I make sure any male that is within 10 feet of me is made aware that I am happily married, then I flash my ring in his face and only talk about what a wonderful man my husband is…I make sure to really drive that point home. I also review my schedule with my husband every Sunday so he knows who I’m meeting with and when, he then gives me permission to run my business.
• There is still time to have kids. I know, I know, this isn’t a question…it’s a statement…which should say it all.
• Who will take care of you in your old age? If that is your retirement plan, you are a moron. What kid wants to be strapped with their aging parents? I plan to have 100 dogs and they will probably eat me when I pass away. Too much? Ah well, thanks for asking.

I had to stop at eight or this blog was going to be a novel, maybe there will be part 2, depends on demand.

Before you get all defensive, I know these questions are not ill-intended but that in no way makes them excusable. 

Stop. Think. Then open mouth.

I’m really sick of answering these questions, I’m also sick of women being viewed as a weaker sex that somehow can’t share in the same accomplishments as a man. As women, we get defensive and begin listing all the things we do, manage and keep together to ensure everyone around us is taken care of…and we need to stop.

Listen up ladies, stop being so damn nice about sexism. Be sarcastic, forceful, abrasive, aggressive, forward (all the adjectives that are used against us) in your responses.

For example “Why don’t you have kids?”

My Answer: “My uterus was ripped out by scavenging bears, I’m lucky to be alive…thanks for bringing up that painful memory.”

See, easy peasy. Don’t let sexism win or be excused.

The holiday season is upon us and it comes with all the fun and stress. I’m not an expert on navigating the holidays, but I’ve survived so far and I’m pretty good at managing chaos, so here are my tips for surviving the holidays.

Just as a reminder, always put your mental health first, you shouldn’t hurt yourself to make others happy.

Family you choose

For some reason, holidays turn loving families into the Griswolds or Ralphie’s dad from the Christmas Story. Grandpa is going on and on about the NRA, mom is trying to keep the peace, your siblings are guzzling wine and you’re currently hiding in the closet to avoid discussing politics – hurts to be the only liberal in the family. If you would like to avoid the trauma, drama and karma…opt out of the family gathering and host a friendsgiving and friendsmas. Invite the people you like, assign them a dish to bring (skip the fruitcake) and gather around your own table for food, friends, and fun.

If the guilt of missing a family gathering is too much for you, might we suggest showing up for hors ‘de oeuvres and a few drinks? You made your appearance, now go preserve your sanity.

Escape

Plan a getaway, whether it is a cabin in the woods or a hotel with a pool for the kiddos. Family time can be done in small doses. If you are committed to seeing your family, then set up one-on-one time with them away from the drama.

There is no rule that you HAVE to do things the way they have always been done. Break the cycle.

Make new traditions

Just because it’s always been done one way, doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. If there are individuals within your family who feel the same way as you about holiday gatherings, set up a time with them away from the drama.

I do this with one of my sisters-in-law and nephews. I don’t want nor need to be in the middle of a family Christmas where we all pretend to like each other, refuse to address the elephant in the room and I have to drink a bottle of wine just to make it through the evening. It isn’t worth it.

Fight it out

The other thing you can do is put on your fighting gloves and duke it out. I don’t suggest this option, as it is impossible to reason with some family members and you will only leave frustrated and angry.

At the end of the day, you need to do what is right for your family and your sanity. The holidays should be a time of celebration and joy, not ulcers and anxiety.

What are your creative ideas for managing the holidays?

“Do you ever just want to scream?” was the text message I sent to three of my friends last week.

There are times, we drive ourselves to mental, emotional and physical exhaustion. I hope I have been honest in the past about my mental health struggles, it’s something I have dealt with since…forever. I can’t remember a time anxiety wasn’t a factor in my life. If you’re reading this, you are not alone. Repeat after me:

I AM NOT ALONE.

It really is an epidemic in our country, one that people would prefer to keep hidden. We’re embarrassed to admit it, seek treatment or talk about it with those closest to us. According to Pine Rest,  mental illnesses affect 19% of the adult population, 46% of teenagers and 13% of children each year. People struggling with their mental health may be in your family, live next door, teach your children, work in the next cubicle or sit in the same church pew.

I AM NOT ALONE.

I am one of those people that feels they can’t appear weak or less than capable – I mean aren’t we all feeling that pressure? What will my employees think? My clients? My family? My friends? My dogs (yes, I really think that).

Want to know what those badass women responded via text?

• I’ve been ornery AF.
• Schedules. Husbands. Politics. Housework. Job Work. I’m feeling the stress of it all lately.
• I was spying on my husband through our dog monitors to see if he was doing any housework while I was gone (ok, that was me).

Listen we’re all a little fucked, we live in stressful times. You gotta take care of you, spend a weekend recharging, exercise (if that’s your thing) or bring your girls together and just bitch.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I turned 40 last week, and no this is not some blog manifesto…so just calm down. I’m not sure when getting older became such an awful thing, I fricken love it. For one, it means I have racked up loads of life experience and have some serious perspective on what’s important in life.

Hell, I earned these wrinkles and extra pounds…the love handles could probably take a break for a while…but eh…whatever.

Here is my list of why getting older is the best.

Friendship

The friends you have now, have seen you at your serious worst and still love you. When my insistent, bossy friend Adri told me I was having a party and I didn’t get a choice…I made one condition. Only invite the people that have loved me at my worst and remind me of my best. In other words, when I sneak off to go to bed at 9:00 p.m. (8:00 p.m.), they won’t care.

Life Experience

20 year old me knew absolutely nothing. She was struggling to figure out who she was, what she wanted and had no idea how to deal with all the anger and resentment she carried around. Age has given me perspective…it doesn’t mean I am without my flaws (I still have plenty), but it has given me the ability to see past the tiny, annoying, inconsequential shit that bothers me. It also helps that I have friends that tell me to suck it up and stop being such a whiner.

Emotion

I am quite uncomfortable with hugs, touching in general, tears…you get the drift. I’m still a weirdo about it, but I am confident by 60 I’ll be able to hug someone without getting awkward and rambling on about the time I got my period, went through a divorce or stole a dog out of my neighbor’s yard (I will never admit a thing).

Gratitude

Holy cow balls I have a lot to be thankful for, you don’t realize how great you have it until you have been through times where shit was really really really hard and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Look around…you are surrounded by blessings, you just need to get past yourself to see them.

I’m thankful for a husband that didn’t leave me when I got a 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th dog. The man really is a saint, and he never uses technology…so he will never read this.

I am surrounded by the chaos of my doing. Dog mom, business owner, friend, wife, sister, daughter…this is 40, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now that the frozen song is stuck in your head, I will get to my point.

There have been a few things bothering me, I just can’t seem to get past it. Silly. Why is it when so much good is happening in our lives, we can’t get past the miniscule shit.

Here are my tips in getting past the really dumb negative crap. In full transparency, I am writing this so I follow my own dumb advice.

Make a List

…and check it twice, actually, 100 times should do it. Write down 10 things that are completely kickass that have happened to you. Maybe it is your 40th birthday party, that you didn’t want, but are secretly thrilled so many people care about. Or…the addition of a 7th dog, because people are dumb and give away their animals when shit gets complicated. Write it down, read it at night, read it in the morning, tattoo that shit on your arm and don’t fucking forget it.

Phone a friend

Call one of those badasses you consider a friend and talk it out. Then call another one and do it again, then text another one and rehash the whole damn thing. If they are great friends, they’ll listen, sympathize and then tell you to get the hell over it.

Write a blog

Apparently, it is therapeutic for me. Maybe all you guys are like my bestest friends in the whole wide world. Aah…you like me, you really like me.

Move, the f**k on

I know it’s easier said than done, I told you that already. Mope around a bit, feel sorry for yourself, and then suck it up buttercup, you got shit to do.

The world is bigger than our stupid problems and we need to check our pessimism at the door and force ourselves to be positive. There are so many great things happening to YOU, to ME, to ALL of us. Let’s build each other up, you never know who is struggling, don’t assume you know their story.

Ladies Listen Up, is going to be an ongoing series because…I have so much to say!

With 40, right around the corner, I’ve become really wise or maybe it’s really tired…either way, I’m sharing all my deep thoughts with all of you.

Lets talk friendship.

I’ve been told it gets harder to make friends as you get older, I haven’t found that to be true…but I also care a lot less. Maybe that is the key to successful friendships in your later years, you just stop giving a shit what everyone thinks.

The other key to great friendships, less is more.

Be You

If you can’t be around me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t get me at my best. I don’t have time for fake shit or pretending life is all sunshine and unicorns. I have time for honest conversations, gifs, wine in pajamas, dog pictures, wine, and lady vacations. Life is hard, why have ‘friends’ that you only show a portion of your life to?

I want the friends that will drop off soup at my house when I am sick, will let my dogs out when I am suffering from a sinus infection so bad I can’t get out of bed, bring me pizza rolls when I’m having a bad day, send me funny girl power cards, celebrate professional achievements, put together furniture at a new house, tell me I’m a bitch, point out when I am wrong, sit with me when I lose a furkid and value friend vacays as much, if not more than family vacations.

Forgiveness

I’m a real dick sometimes, I know that comes as a surprise…to no one. When one of my friends told me she was pregnant, I cried out of sadness for myself…I had lost another friend to a baby. She told me I was ridiculous and in the moment we should have been celebrating her happy news, she reassured me I wouldn’t lose her.

It took me a day to come around, and she still loved me in spite of my selfishness. I have countless other stories, that illustrate my awesomeness, but to save face…I’m not going to share them.

My point is, your friends love you at your worst and forgive you for it.

Quality

As you get older, you’ll find that you have less time for everything. When we were younger, did we really think, more was better? That having more friends, achieved some sort of status? Made us cool?

Screw that.

Life is too short to stress yourself out doing all this crap you don’t really want to do, with people that at the end of the day, will never be there for you outside of a surface level.

Give

Back to the quality over quantity, if you have this huge group of who you deem ‘close’ friends, how great of a friend are you? Can you really be the friend, you would want someone else to be? I guess, you could make it your full-time job?

All those times you need that person to be there for you? You sure as hell better be there for them. That’s what friends do, they are there through the good, bad and ugly.

The great thing about friendship as you age, those bitches are always going to be there for you.