I’ve been running a business for around 13 years, if there is one thing I hate above all else it is the questions women are asked that no one would even think to ask a man.

First, let me define sexism for readers. Merriam-Webster defines it as:

• How do you balance work and life? Um…is that even a serious question? I run a business, no one has fucking work/life balance you twit.
• How old are your kids? This one is my favorite, I’m not even asked if I have kids, it is a given I would have them…because what woman doesn’t fulfill the role they are placed on this earth for? By the way, sarcasm is heavy in this blog. Read on if you dare.
• How is your little business doing? Oh really good, between keeping up on housework and making delicious meals for my husband, I have managed to run a business for 13 years that is fueled on the tears of interns.
• How does your husband deal with your schedule? I don’t know, I chain him to a bed and feed him periodically…seems to be fine when I see him.
• Do you only hire attractive females? Yep, all ugly trolls are stopped at the door and sent on their way.
• How does your husband feel about all the men you spend time with? What a great question! Well, I make sure any male that is within 10 feet of me is made aware that I am happily married, then I flash my ring in his face and only talk about what a wonderful man my husband is…I make sure to really drive that point home. I also review my schedule with my husband every Sunday so he knows who I’m meeting with and when, he then gives me permission to run my business.
• There is still time to have kids. I know, I know, this isn’t a question…it’s a statement…which should say it all.
• Who will take care of you in your old age? If that is your retirement plan, you are a moron. What kid wants to be strapped with their aging parents? I plan to have 100 dogs and they will probably eat me when I pass away. Too much? Ah well, thanks for asking.

I had to stop at eight or this blog was going to be a novel, maybe there will be part 2, depends on demand.

Before you get all defensive, I know these questions are not ill-intended but that in no way makes them excusable. 

Stop. Think. Then open mouth.

I’m really sick of answering these questions, I’m also sick of women being viewed as a weaker sex that somehow can’t share in the same accomplishments as a man. As women, we get defensive and begin listing all the things we do, manage and keep together to ensure everyone around us is taken care of…and we need to stop.

Listen up ladies, stop being so damn nice about sexism. Be sarcastic, forceful, abrasive, aggressive, forward (all the adjectives that are used against us) in your responses.

For example “Why don’t you have kids?”

My Answer: “My uterus was ripped out by scavenging bears, I’m lucky to be alive…thanks for bringing up that painful memory.”

See, easy peasy. Don’t let sexism win or be excused.

I had an interesting convo with my therapist the other day (more people should admit they see one, helps erase the stigma), we were chatting about the stress a business owner deals with every day and how it bleeds into every other aspect of your life. By the way, this was supposed to be marriage counseling, but it ended up just being me – that is a story there for another day.

In my therapist’s other life, he is a business coach. Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. I think what we often need, as business owners, someone to talk to with no judgment. We keep a lot of shit locked inside, we don’t want to bother our significant others, family or friends and not just that, they will never fully understand the struggle.

I wrote a blog a while back that talked about the loneliness a business owner faces. The blog is just as true today as 3 years ago when I wrote it.

What has been my saving grace in recent years is the network surrounding the Small Business Association of Michigan (SBAM). The group consists only of business owners, which means you are in a room with others that experience the same pain points, frustrations, and hurdles. It’s therapy for my mind and soul.

I’ve been talking about mental health a lot, my last blog tackled it and I’m addressing it in this one. If I can help one person by admitting my struggles, then awesome.

I also really want to help, my nature is to fix things. After chatting with my therapist, who is really cool, he and I are tossing around the idea of starting up a business owner support group. He would facilitate because we all tend to be a bit ADD.

So let me know your thoughts. Would you want to attend? What if I said there would be wine/booze/beer? Does that sway you at all?

I turned 40 last week, and no this is not some blog manifesto…so just calm down. I’m not sure when getting older became such an awful thing, I fricken love it. For one, it means I have racked up loads of life experience and have some serious perspective on what’s important in life.

Hell, I earned these wrinkles and extra pounds…the love handles could probably take a break for a while…but eh…whatever.

Here is my list of why getting older is the best.

Friendship

The friends you have now, have seen you at your serious worst and still love you. When my insistent, bossy friend Adri told me I was having a party and I didn’t get a choice…I made one condition. Only invite the people that have loved me at my worst and remind me of my best. In other words, when I sneak off to go to bed at 9:00 p.m. (8:00 p.m.), they won’t care.

Life Experience

20 year old me knew absolutely nothing. She was struggling to figure out who she was, what she wanted and had no idea how to deal with all the anger and resentment she carried around. Age has given me perspective…it doesn’t mean I am without my flaws (I still have plenty), but it has given me the ability to see past the tiny, annoying, inconsequential shit that bothers me. It also helps that I have friends that tell me to suck it up and stop being such a whiner.

Emotion

I am quite uncomfortable with hugs, touching in general, tears…you get the drift. I’m still a weirdo about it, but I am confident by 60 I’ll be able to hug someone without getting awkward and rambling on about the time I got my period, went through a divorce or stole a dog out of my neighbor’s yard (I will never admit a thing).

Gratitude

Holy cow balls I have a lot to be thankful for, you don’t realize how great you have it until you have been through times where shit was really really really hard and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Look around…you are surrounded by blessings, you just need to get past yourself to see them.

I’m thankful for a husband that didn’t leave me when I got a 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th dog. The man really is a saint, and he never uses technology…so he will never read this.

I am surrounded by the chaos of my doing. Dog mom, business owner, friend, wife, sister, daughter…this is 40, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Be comfortable with change is the best piece of advice I can offer you. Life is going to throw a lot of curve balls your way, so line up to catch them and throw them the f**k back.

8THIRTYFOUR is 12 years old (maybe 13 – I lose track) and there is not a single day that I wasn’t surprised or caught off-guard by something; there is a reason people don’t own businesses – it is fucking hard. If you can become comfortable with things constantly being in influx, and create a plan for how to deal with disruptions – you almost begin to look forward to them (that is 100% an exaggeration), the good thing is you know how to tackle the unexpected, deal with it and move on.

The other fun part about change is communicating throughout the entire organization, in a way that is positive and exciting. Anytime there is change, there is opportunity. Stop looking at change as a disruption, instead see the possibilities that accompany it.

Next time the unexpected happens, do the following.

1. Breathe. Don’t react. Any action you take within the first 15 minutes of a disruption, is going to be reactionary and definitely not well-thought out.
2. Ponder. If I know a big decision is coming, I reflect on it. I take a few days, sometimes a week (if time allows) and let my mind look at all the possibilities.
3. Analyze. Now that you have slowed down and pondered, it is time to determine the ripple effects on your company, staff, community, personal life etc.
4. Plan. You have thought it out and you know what you have to do, write it out, timeline it and communicate it.
5. Go. Get moving, you have the plan and the ability to turn this disruption into an opportunity.

Remember, when shit hits the fan – find the opportunity and put on your positive pants.

Change is inevitable; we have all heard it before – but many of us seldom do anything about it. I had the opportunity to hear Josh Linkner speak last week at the Small Business Association of Michigan (SBAM) Leadership Council Summit and it was a great reminder that business owners need to focus on reinvention to remain relevant.

Josh wrote the bestselling book, The Road to Reinvention which discusses how businesses fail to reinvent with disastrous results. I started 8THIRTYFOUR to introduce an alternative to the traditional agency model. We focus on deliverables, not hours. We strategize, then implement. We leverage all communication mediums to deliver integrated measured results. At the time, the concept was unique and hard for people to wrap their heads around, in fact it took years building relationships and delivering results before it paid off.

Imagine if your competitors had the same exact product as you and all of you delivered it the same way – how would you stand out? What makes you different?

If we, as business owners, don’t take a different approach and innovate, then how do you ensure your business will be there tomorrow or 3 years from now?

Josh used the example of Kmart and their Ship My Pants campaign. Kmart was struggling to stand out from competition and remain relevant when competing with the likes of Amazon and other online giants. The campaign did exactly what it was designed to do, create buzz. Kmart had a HUGE opportunity, to build on the momentum and improve the online user experience, customer service and more. They didn’t. Change was too hard and they held onto their antiquated retail model…and well the rest is history (no really – they are history).

Dedicate time and resources to big picture ideas and don’t be afraid to take a risk – it could pay off in dividends.

Most entrepreneurs and business owners fail terribly a leading. No one tells you when you start your business, that you will someday have to manage an entire team. At the time, you are too busy trying to not go broke. It’s probably a good thing that most entrepreneurs can’t see past the week they’re living in, we would have a nervous breakdown.

Over my 11 years at 8THIRTYFOUR, I’ve stumbled upon the following lessons (and I mean stumbled).

1. You are in the spotlight. Whether you like it or not, everyone is watching what you do. Your employees, community, clients, partners, family, dog…you name it; your every action and decision is under the microscope. Self-awareness is key, especially after you make a bad decision.
2. Personal and professional is blurred. Most people spend more time with their co-workers than they do their own families, which means you will know a lot about each individual that reports to you. A good work environment, encourages team bonding and presents opportunities for employees/managers to get to know each other on a more personal level. The catch is, you will know WAY more than you want to about your employees. Safeguard that information and respect their privacy.
3. Not everyone is a winner. This may seem harsh, but when we started moving to EOS® (Entrepreneurial Operating System®), it took the emotion out of staff/employee decisions. You have to make the right decisions for the company and that means, right person/right position. Rip the bandaid off when it comes to low performers, if they are not a fit for your culture, then work with them to transition to a new job.
4. Everyone looks to you for the answer. You are going to get asked a lot of questions, some you know, most you don’t. Unfortunately for you, you’re the only one they can go to. Empower employees to make their own decisions, but also have designated times they can come to you with questions and solutions.
5. Leadership is lonely. I wrote a pretty emotional and raw blog about this awhile back, running a business is hard. You can’t delegate running the company to someone else, if a big problem hits – buck stops with you.

What leadership lessons would you share? I am always open to learning and adapting based on what I learn. Great leaders don’t happen overnight, they make a lot of mistakes on the way.

The worst bosses I ever had…were women. I know I am not alone, many share the same experiences. These experiences have driven me to be a better leader and to cultivate opportunities for my employees that I never had. As a business owner (regardless of my gender), I need to live by example.

When reflecting back on my worst bosses, I realized they did teach me valuable leadership lessons.

1. Be transparent. By being clear with expectations for each role in your company, your employees know what is expected of them. Share with them the vision and 1 year, 3 year and 10 year goals. Understanding they are a part of something bigger, drives them to contribute in a more strategic way.
2. Support professional growth. When an employee grows professionally, the company benefits. Provide opportunities for community engagement, leadership training and more. We work with our employees to develop a professional development plan that we support as a firm.
3. Be intentional with culture. You want employees to look forward to coming to work each day. We purposefully build team bonding into our schedule – whether it is Friday Sangria or a BBQ at my house to share an updated company strategy to working on a patio for the afternoon. Employees work hard, reward them with some flexibility and fun.
4. Lead by example. This is by far the most important. We have all had those bosses that tells us one thing and do another. While I am out of the office a lot, I make it a priority to attend our team meetings, bonding sessions and hit deadlines.

Use your past ‘bad boss’ situations to drive yourself to be a better leader. Sometimes our worst experiences can be our best education.

Perhaps one of the most harmful things we can do as business owners is dwell on the past. It is hard to look forward and not backwards when we are making strategic decisions about our companies, however it is absolutely necessary. You know the saying, hindsight is 20/20, well that is true and the only value is in what you learn to help you make better decisions in the present.

Moving on from a mistake or failure is a challenge all humans make and as a business owner we are not quick to forgive ourselves. Here are a few tips I have found helpful over the years:

1. Make the decision to move on. Consciously admit it happened and acknowledge there is nothing more you can do. Write down 2 to 3 things you learned from it and put those lessons into practice for the future of the company.
2. Process the mistake or failure. Before you can fully move on, you need to process the whole situation. I do this by grabbing a drink with another small business owner who can help me see the lesson in all of it and who also loves a great cocktail and real talk. Similar to personal hardships, you have to allow yourself time to mourn or you will never truly move on from it.
3. Take responsibility. Don’t blame others for what happened. At the end of the day, you are the business owner and the buck stops with you.
4. Stop looking back. Once you are through steps 1 through 3, it is time to put the lessons you learned into practice. No more dwelling on the past. If you continue to focus on the negative there is no room for the positive and it is already hard enough to be positive.
5. Forgive everyone. This sounds very ’emotional’ but the fact is, if you hold a grudge against another person or yourself then this situation/failure/mistake will haunt you for the rest of your life. Forgiveness is a way of tangibly letting something go. It’s also a way of empathizing with the other person, and trying to see things from their point of view. Empathy will set you apart.

Don’t let your business or yourself be defined by something that happened in the past. You are better than that.

As entrepreneurs and business owners, our days are anything but consistent. It is a word we loathe, how can we possibly be consistent when everyday is full of surprises and the unexpected.

Here is the deal, when we are consistent, we see the results but it takes commitment. It is so easy to put things off, procrastinate and be complacent…but we can’t do that. As business owners we should have a schedule that addresses the different facets of our business.

• Money is key to running a business, which means you need to set time every month to review finances, reconcile charges, categorize expenses…etc. It is a wonder our bookkeeper has not killed me…numbers are my least favorite thing so reviewing them and understanding them takes a lot longer for me. However, it is a necessity.
• Team meetings to keep all work and internal projects on track need to happen weekly. We sit down as a team 3 times a week and each meeting has a different theme – what is coming up, what big projects are in process, current events and brainstorming. If we don’t connect on a regular basis, our connection as a team suffers and in turn our clients don’t receive our best work.
• Leadership meetings happen weekly on Mondays. We do a temperature check on culture, employees, agency health, upcoming projects, business development and more.
• Quarterly strategy meetings are also an important part of “consistency”; we do an offsite full day session each quarter to do a deeper dive into all things 8THIRTYFOUR -we have our goals mapped out quarterly, yearly, etc. This keeps us on track for the bigger goals we have set.
• Mondays are no meeting days, sometimes (rarely) that gets broken but it is our time to plan for the week, connect on all client activities and work ahead.
• Bi-weekly on Fridays we meet as a team and tackle 8THIRTYFOUR marketing activities, community engagement and spend time bonding as a team. We know we have to be intentional about culture, if we aren’t then everything suffers.

My advice is, stop fighting consistency and build it into your week, month and year. The rewards will become evident when you stay the course.

What are your priorities when it comes to consistency?

I would never discourage anyone from starting their own business and going out on their own, but I do think it is important to have all the facts before making the leap. Becoming an entrepreneur is easy, succeeding as an entrepreneur is really, really hard.

Here are just a few things you can expect.

1. Work/life balance will never be achieved. As a business owner you are always on, you have to be as issues and opportunities will pop up at all ours of the day or night. A recent Small Biz Musings blog talks about the myth of work/life balance. It will be important to have a conversation with the significant other in your life to prepare them for your soon-to-be crazy schedule. You will need their support and understanding.
2. Your schedule is no longer your own. If a potential client wants to grab drinks at 6:00 p.m., then you will be grabbing drinks at 6:00 p.m. If they want to meet for a 7:00 a.m. meeting because it works best with their schedule…then you will meet them at that time. If you want to land a contract, you need to do whatever it takes. That won’t always be the case, but in the beginning you need to show up and crush it.
3. Cashflow will always freak you out. Your financials will always hang over your head, you will find that you go from sitting quite comfortably to ‘holy shit…we gotta make payroll.’ This does get better, but in the beginning you are investing everything and you’ll be lucky to see a return in the short term.
4. Small business owners are your new family. You are not alone, even though it will certainly feel like it. There are others that have done what you are about to do successfully and they have great advice to give you. There is no how-to manual for entrepreneurs, maybe I should write one…oh hell, I don’t have time for that.
5. Failure is your new norm. It’s ok, because you will learn from it, just don’t be so hard on yourself. How you deal with failure will impact your business’ future. There is such a stigma attached to failure, see it as an opportunity.

My last, perhaps most important piece of advice is to never stop learning. Read everything you can get your hands on and set aside quiet or thinking time for yourself first think in the morning or in the evening. Oh, and always have a bottle of your favorite spirits on hand. You never know when you are going to need it.

What would you add to this list?