“Can a person live on iced, shaken espressos only?” I texted my best friend, Sue.
“Yes,” she responded.
That, right there, is why Sue is my best friend.
The past two+ years have been the hardest of my life. I was diagnosed with ADHD (at 45). I faced a situation that tested everything I had and nearly broke me. And I’ve spent every day since fighting a legal battle no small business owner should ever have to face. All while navigating a system designed to protect institutions — not small businesses, not entrepreneurs, and definitely not women.
In case you’re wondering what my brain is like on ADHD, there’s a constant stream of thoughts, ideas, reminders, worries, and noise. It’s not something I can turn off or pause. Even when I’m sitting still, even when things are quiet, it’s on. While I’m answering an email, I’m also thinking about a conversation I had last week, an idea for a client, what I forgot to grab at the office, and whether I responded to that text. There’s no off-switch. There’s no volume control. I’m just constantly flipping through noise, trying to grab what matters before it disappears.
I cannot sit still; if I do, I feel like I’m failing. So I work 24/7, do things like color-code my closet (see picture for proof), and build shelves to showcase my shoes. I mean, you can’t make this shit up.
Thank God for Adderall.
…and for those that keep asking me if everything is ok, or commenting on my weight loss, please see the aforementioned ADHD, legal battle, iced shaken espressos, and Adderall. Now, stop asking me if I want a burger.
P.S. ADHD is one of the reasons I’m a great presenter.
The Drama…The Intrigue
This is the first time I’ve mentioned the legal stuff publicly — not because I’ve been hiding it, but because I’ve been too busy surviving it. Two years. Six figures in professional, legal, investigative fees. Endless hours spent advocating for myself. What started as someone else’s wrongdoing snowballed into a fight for my company’s survival. And I’m still in it. Because this business — my business — is mine. I built it from the ground up, and I refuse to let anyone take it from me..
And the reason I’ve survived so far? ADHD.
ADHD is My Superpower
My survival cocktail is Adderall and Starbucks Iced Shaken Espressos (5 shots, obvs).
I have no quit in me. I refuse to give up in the face of adversity. See 2-year legal battle involving shitty detective, very nice insurance adjustor, absolute incompetent, emotional prosecutor (my book will be dedicated to this ass), IRS, forensic investigator (thank you Bill, from the bottom of my heart), AUSA, Michigan State Police, Attorney General and all the other jackasses I’m missing.
My mind sees every angle, every outcome, every possible way through a problem. It’s a gift, truly. I can look at a situation from 100 different directions before most people have finished outlining the first. But that kind of thinking? It comes with a cost. It’s exhausting. My mind doesn’t shut off. Everything is compartmentalized so I can keep functioning — so I can stay sharp, stay moving, stay standing.
When you’re on high alert 24/7, it takes a toll. Eventually, your body starts cashing checks your brain can’t write (I really think I got this phrase wrong), anyway, the point is I’m tired and experienced more tragedy in two years than most face in a lifetime. Did I mention my mom died? Yeah, we were estranged, that’s a story for another sad blog.
I’m Not on Drugs
And to end this rather meandering blog, I’d like to state that I am absolutely, 100% not on drugs.
The other day, I was amped on five shots of espresso, hadn’t taken my afternoon Adderall, and was itching myself raw thanks to a rash from my estrogen patch (perimenopause, you are a dick) all while talking with someone I quite respect. At one point during the conversation, I thought, boy, I’m talking quite fast. Why is my mouth so dry…I should drink some water. Oh shit, am I bleeding?
I got in my car and was like…pretty sure that is how druggies on Breaking Bad look when they’re tweaking. Oh great, now everyone is gonna think I’m on meth or heroin (I went right to the hard drugs).
Instead, I was coming off my 5-shot shaken espresso and experiencing the joys of ADHD. It’s me in survival mode, and sometimes it looks a bit unhinged.
In conclusion, I don’t need a burger. I need a break. But until then, I’ll keep running on Adderall and espresso — and a brain that refuses to quit, even when the system tries to make me.
