Why, as women, do we feel the need to be liked by everyone? Why are our feelings hurt when we aren’t included? Is high school still haunting us?

I won’t get into how society or our upbringings can play a role in our need to be accepted or loved. I will say this, knock it off! I went through this a few months back and reached out to several women who I thought I had offended (who, me?) and offered to grab coffee or connect on a more personal level. The responses I received made me realize that I don’t have to be liked or be best friends with these women. I respected them on a professional level but it did not need to ever move beyond that. Why was that so hard for me to accept?

It came up in conversation again the other day when another (professional/colleague) woman and I were commenting on the fact that we had known each other for over 10 years, but it was never on a personal level. Guess what…we were both FINE with that. We both have an enormous amount of respect for each other professionally, but see no reason for it to move beyond those boundaries.

If you are struggling with the need to be liked, it is basically a disease, break down your relationships in the following ways:

1. Colleagues: These are individuals that you run into at professional events, board meetings or worked with in the past. You might meet up for  happy hour or sit together at an event, but you are not friends. They do not need to know your life story, unless you are like me and tell everyone you meet within the first 5 minutes of the conversation.
2. Co-workers: This is where personal and professional tend to blur, we often spend more time with our co-workers than our own families. They know what is going on in your personal life, you have most definitely grabbed drinks outside of work and you are brought together by common circumstances. These people will often exit your life quickly as well, usually for a new job.
3. Actual Friends: I say actual, because no matter where you are in life, these people will be with you. You don’t have to work in the same place, have the same type of job or worry about being liked by them. They will love you at your worst and support you at your best. Think back on those tough times in your life, who reached out to you? Who made the effort to support you? Who was by your side?

The fact is, no matter what, there will always be people out there who don’t like you. I am abrasive, stubborn, persistent and not shy about my beliefs – that doesn’t sit well with many people and that is ok. Don’t compromise yourself so someone else will like you.

Learning to be okay with that is hard work, but you’ll like yourself so much more for it. And guess what, I like you.

I have heard the word mindfulness at least 15 times this week (ok, maybe it was 3 times), so I started wondering what the hell it is.

Here is the dictionary definition:

• The quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
• A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Mindfulness is being in the moment, fully present. Living in the digital age with our smartphones being an extension of our hands makes this difficult to achieve. Is it really that important? Is this a craze like “self-care?”

If I hadn’t accidentally fell into mindfulness earlier this week, I would’ve shrugged it off and cracked some jokes about it and that would have been that. I shattered my phone screen at the office on Tuesday, because I am a total klutz, it was so bad I cut my hand on the glass – nice job Bode (Genius Phone Repair to the rescue). I dropped my phone off to be fixed and was told it would be about 30 minutes, since I wasn’t going to sit around and wait, I decided to go grab lunch.

I ATE LUNCH ALONE ON A PATIO WITH NO PHONE. This really happened, and I am so glad it did. I sat out on the patio with a pad of paper and a pen, wrote down some thoughts, actually tasted my lunch and observed my surroundings. Holy shit, it was awesome!

We use our devices as a crutch, if we are in situations by ourselves or simply feel uncomfortable, we turn to our phones. Embrace the uncomfortable, relish in it and you might just learn something about yourself.

I walked away from that lunch with a commitment to try to live in the moment versus worrying about everything that could possibly/maybe happen….and maybe set my phone down every once in awhile (baby steps).

It seems all you hear  talk about these days is the need for skilled, STEM and high-tech candidates. A recent article by the Washington Post titled, Forget coding. It’s the soft skills, stupid. And that’s what schools should be teaching, states that while software development skills are desired by employers the skill that is much more in demand is the ability to communicate.

This is a discussion we have frequently around the office, while we need individuals that understand PR, digital, marketing and design; what we need the most is those that are able to problem solve, be empathetic, lead, show gratitude, work in teams and more.

Soft skills, as defined by the dictionary, are: personal attributes that enable someone to interact effectively and harmoniously with other people.

Let’s just step back a minute and reflect on how we got to the point where job candidates are unable to think independently, interact with other humans and are incapable of saying ‘thank you’ and ‘please.’

Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychology professor, has found that praising children for their intelligence, rather than for their effort, often leads them to give up when they encounter the unknown. It’s much better, in her opinion, to compliment children for their persistence. People perform better when they can focus on things they can control rather than things they cannot.

When I entered the workforce, I took a blue collar upbringing and mentality and applied it to a white collar job. I was told to work smarter, not harder – which went against everything I was taught growing up. I watched my dad work 30+ years as a pipe fitter at GM, where he took on a leadership position in the union. He worked harder and smarter – it wasn’t an either/or scenario.

Todays college graduates struggle with problem solving, if the answer or solution isn’t readily available to them they give up. If they can’t find the answer digitally, it must not exist.

We are handicapping the current and future generations by overfilling their days with structured play or organized activities – gone are the days where you were told to use your imagination. Our parents didn’t care if we were bored, we were told to figure it out, occupy our own time and if there was an issue or argument with other kids – solve it.

Showing up for your job will not earn you a trophy, it earns you a paycheck. My advice to college graduates is work harder and smarter than the rest and ALWAYS say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’

And to the parents raising little, let them be bored, tell them to use their imaginations and limit their interaction with devices and technology. The world doesn’t hand out trophies for paying your bills and showing up for the job you were hired for.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes along this small business journey and leadership is at the top. No need to rehash for the purpose of this blog, don’t worry they still haunt me, instead I want to share the steps I am taking to be the best boss I can be.

A little over six months ago, we began implementing the Entrepreneur Operating System or EOS. If you haven’t heard people talk about this program before, you will now. I encourage you to read the book Traction and learn for yourself what this program can do for your business.

One of the key components in EOS is ensuring you have the right people in the right positions. I have known for awhile that my talents are best utilized out in the community and working with our clients, I am a visionary. I can outline systems all day long, but when it comes to the implementation, I leave a lot to be desired.

I knew I needed a change and my role had to evolve.

1. Outline your current responsibilities. What do you love? What do you dislike? What do you absolutely hate?
2. Next look at the list, where do your talents lie? Circle the responsibilities that you can delegate. For me, this was to our managing director. If you don’t have someone to delegate to at this time, this is a good list for the future when you can afford to hire someone to assist you.
3. Create an org chart and define each staff members role. By outlining what they do on a day-to-day basis you can identify holes and capacity. Be sure that you are not identifying responsibilities by person but by position. The person should fit the role, not the other way around.
4. Set aside time to think big picture. I was so caught up in the day-to-day that I lost sight of the overall vision of the business. Build time into your schedule and your role to strategize, your business depends on it.
5. Lead. Whether you are directly managing your staff or not, you still need to lead. You need to give clear direction, provide the necessary job tools, let go (delegate & trust), acknowledge the bigger picture and give yourself time to define that bigger picture.

There are a lot more steps that full under each of these items, however this gives you a good overall picture of what you need to work towards.

What have you struggled with as a leader?

Perhaps one of the most harmful things we can do as business owners is dwell on the past. It is hard to look forward and not backwards when we are making strategic decisions about our companies, however it is absolutely necessary. You know the saying, hindsight is 20/20, well that is true and the only value is in what you learn to help you make better decisions in the present.

Moving on from a mistake or failure is a challenge all humans make and as a business owner we are not quick to forgive ourselves. Here are a few tips I have found helpful over the years:

1. Make the decision to move on. Consciously admit it happened and acknowledge there is nothing more you can do. Write down 2 to 3 things you learned from it and put those lessons into practice for the future of the company.
2. Process the mistake or failure. Before you can fully move on, you need to process the whole situation. I do this by grabbing a drink with another small business owner who can help me see the lesson in all of it and who also loves a great cocktail and real talk. Similar to personal hardships, you have to allow yourself time to mourn or you will never truly move on from it.
3. Take responsibility. Don’t blame others for what happened. At the end of the day, you are the business owner and the buck stops with you.
4. Stop looking back. Once you are through steps 1 through 3, it is time to put the lessons you learned into practice. No more dwelling on the past. If you continue to focus on the negative there is no room for the positive and it is already hard enough to be positive.
5. Forgive everyone. This sounds very ’emotional’ but the fact is, if you hold a grudge against another person or yourself then this situation/failure/mistake will haunt you for the rest of your life. Forgiveness is a way of tangibly letting something go. It’s also a way of empathizing with the other person, and trying to see things from their point of view. Empathy will set you apart.

Don’t let your business or yourself be defined by something that happened in the past. You are better than that.

As entrepreneurs and business owners, our days are anything but consistent. It is a word we loathe, how can we possibly be consistent when everyday is full of surprises and the unexpected.

Here is the deal, when we are consistent, we see the results but it takes commitment. It is so easy to put things off, procrastinate and be complacent…but we can’t do that. As business owners we should have a schedule that addresses the different facets of our business.

• Money is key to running a business, which means you need to set time every month to review finances, reconcile charges, categorize expenses…etc. It is a wonder our bookkeeper has not killed me…numbers are my least favorite thing so reviewing them and understanding them takes a lot longer for me. However, it is a necessity.
• Team meetings to keep all work and internal projects on track need to happen weekly. We sit down as a team 3 times a week and each meeting has a different theme – what is coming up, what big projects are in process, current events and brainstorming. If we don’t connect on a regular basis, our connection as a team suffers and in turn our clients don’t receive our best work.
• Leadership meetings happen weekly on Mondays. We do a temperature check on culture, employees, agency health, upcoming projects, business development and more.
• Quarterly strategy meetings are also an important part of “consistency”; we do an offsite full day session each quarter to do a deeper dive into all things 8THIRTYFOUR -we have our goals mapped out quarterly, yearly, etc. This keeps us on track for the bigger goals we have set.
• Mondays are no meeting days, sometimes (rarely) that gets broken but it is our time to plan for the week, connect on all client activities and work ahead.
• Bi-weekly on Fridays we meet as a team and tackle 8THIRTYFOUR marketing activities, community engagement and spend time bonding as a team. We know we have to be intentional about culture, if we aren’t then everything suffers.

My advice is, stop fighting consistency and build it into your week, month and year. The rewards will become evident when you stay the course.

What are your priorities when it comes to consistency?

With it being Friday, I want to remind you to put yourself and your happiness first. We get lost in our responsibilities, to-do lists, worries and commitments; losing focus often leads to feeling overwhelmed. I don’t know about you, but when I get overwhelmed, I tend to freeze. I get stuck and scattered and I end up getting NOTHING done.

Today or this weekend, do one thing that brings you joy. Maybe it is reading a book, catching up on Black Mirror (maybe not this show – it is messed up), taking a walk, napping…you get the drift; do all of it without guilt. Happiness is not our natural state as human beings, it takes work and prioritizing. Seems weird to schedule time for happiness, but if you don’t do it then when will you make it your focus?

Happiness is achieved through work. Here are some ways you can pursue joy this weekend:

1. Practice gratitude. Send thank you notes, little gifts in the mail, text a nice message to a friend. When we do something for others, it boosts our mood and we feel good.
2. Give of your time to a friend, stranger or organization. My favorite thing in life is giving gifts to others or doing something for someone that will make them happy. Their happiness is my happiness.
3. Enjoy the pleasurable (get your mind out of the gutter). Take in the sunset or sunrise, go for a hike, learn a new hobby – maybe rollerblading or knitting. Knitting seems like the safer alternative here.

Happiness and joy are up to you. Los Angeles-based therapist, Sarah Schewitz says, “You can change the way you think, you can change the way you feel, and be happier.”

Don’t have a heart attack, but I currently have 1,215 emails in my inbox. Are you hyperventilating? Take a deep breath, here’s a paper bag – I hear you can breath into it and it helps.

If it makes you feel any better, I don’t categorize or file my emails. If I am at 1,214, I know that I have 0 unread emails. I have a system, it is just a system that gives other people anxiety. I sent an article around the office the other day by Tim Herrera of Smarter Living; the article addressed procrastination. If we are honest with ourselves, we all put off the tasks we like the least. I bet you just thought of that task right now…

So how the hell do we go about changing what is so ingrained in us to naturally do?

1. To steal from Nike, JUST DO IT. Start out your day tackling the one thing you have been putting off for heaven knows how long. Schedule time on your calendar, say an hour or two to focus on that one task.
2. If it is a larger project, then spread it out over a few days or weeks (as needed – don’t get carried away). My suggestion would be to do it first thing in the a.m. that is when I am at my most focused. It probably has something to do with the mass amount of caffeine I have consumed.
3. If you are feeling truly introspective, you can write down all the reasons you have avoided that certain task. Is it time? Does it require confronting someone? It is something that does not come naturally to you; such as writing?

If you take my inbox as an example, I know it will take me HOURS to organize it and there are other tasks that are more pressing. Here is the deal though, it hangs over my head and I know that it affects productivity because I spend a lot of my time searching for certain emails. If they were categorized by clients or type of communication, I would be able to find it in less time – leaving more time for those other important tasks.

What do you think? What tips do you have for avoiding procrastination (get it)?

I had a great conversation this past week with good friend of mine, who is in an influential and important role in Grand Rapids. She was looking to amplify her brand, meaning raise her profile in the community. Although she is very involved in the community, which is a huge part of her job, not a lot of people realize her level of engagement or the breadth of that involvement. Why? Because if it didn’t happen on social media, then did it really happen at all?

I know this sounds utterly ridiculous and in some ways it absolutely is, however we now live in the digital age which affords us a lot of opportunities but also takes away anonymity. Unfortunately, you can’t have it both ways.

My advice to my friend on increasing her visibility within the community, was the following.

• Utilize social media to educate, inform and share your life. There are multiple ways to do so, which I’ll cover in the next few bullet points. Start with Facebook and Instagram, Twitter is a time suck and the network is losing the relevancy it once had.
• When you attend events, go to meetings or are giving a presentation; be sure to check-in on social media with an explanation of what you are doing. This broadcasts your involvement to the community and also allows those attending the same event to find you and network.
• Share photos of your adventures. If you are walking in downtown Grand Rapids, grabbing coffee, attending an event, grab a photo and share with your followers. This showcases you are out and about and involved. I realize this may seem silly, but how often do you check social media in a day? 12 times? 15 times? Too many to count?
• Post articles or blogs you have written or feel will educate on a certain issue that is important to you or relevant to your job. This will help position you as knowledgeable, informed and thoughtful.
• Take advantage of either Facebook or Instagram Stories. Have fun with it! Show a more personal side, take pictures with your dogs, put on those damn bunny or dog ears/nose, make a video, get your emoji game on…the possibilities are endless.

For this blog, I focused on social media as a tool to increase your visibility, there are so many ways to do so, but all roads lead back to social media when it comes down to communicating what you are up to.

Looking for more resources or articles on personal brand, check out the below blogs.

• Why you can’t afford to ignore personal branding
• The value in speaking
• Make your own opportunities
• Becoming the salesperson of you

I would never discourage anyone from starting their own business and going out on their own, but I do think it is important to have all the facts before making the leap. Becoming an entrepreneur is easy, succeeding as an entrepreneur is really, really hard.

Here are just a few things you can expect.

1. Work/life balance will never be achieved. As a business owner you are always on, you have to be as issues and opportunities will pop up at all ours of the day or night. A recent Small Biz Musings blog talks about the myth of work/life balance. It will be important to have a conversation with the significant other in your life to prepare them for your soon-to-be crazy schedule. You will need their support and understanding.
2. Your schedule is no longer your own. If a potential client wants to grab drinks at 6:00 p.m., then you will be grabbing drinks at 6:00 p.m. If they want to meet for a 7:00 a.m. meeting because it works best with their schedule…then you will meet them at that time. If you want to land a contract, you need to do whatever it takes. That won’t always be the case, but in the beginning you need to show up and crush it.
3. Cashflow will always freak you out. Your financials will always hang over your head, you will find that you go from sitting quite comfortably to ‘holy shit…we gotta make payroll.’ This does get better, but in the beginning you are investing everything and you’ll be lucky to see a return in the short term.
4. Small business owners are your new family. You are not alone, even though it will certainly feel like it. There are others that have done what you are about to do successfully and they have great advice to give you. There is no how-to manual for entrepreneurs, maybe I should write one…oh hell, I don’t have time for that.
5. Failure is your new norm. It’s ok, because you will learn from it, just don’t be so hard on yourself. How you deal with failure will impact your business’ future. There is such a stigma attached to failure, see it as an opportunity.

My last, perhaps most important piece of advice is to never stop learning. Read everything you can get your hands on and set aside quiet or thinking time for yourself first think in the morning or in the evening. Oh, and always have a bottle of your favorite spirits on hand. You never know when you are going to need it.

What would you add to this list?